It’s bucketing down today and I feel a bit sad. To be honest it’s a bit of a relief, it’s been so bright recently I’ve been waking up at 6am in the bright sunshine. Also, while I’m being completely honest it’s a bit of a relief that I’m sad. Terrible as it is to say it I’m so used to this feeling that when days go by without me feeling that strange and daunting ache I miss it. It makes me panicky. I feel like I know how to deal with the sad feeling. Normal life, maybe not so much. I want to get better, I do but it doesn’t mean it’s easy and I’m used to the idea yet.
I truly believe that one of the main reasons I became depressed was because I let other people’s beliefs on what is ‘right’ for me cloud my own very good judgement. The depression served as a very painful reminder that I know what is best for me and I should not bow down to what society or any individual loud, overpowering voice says is the best thing for me.
Sometimes the decision is hard and I choose the wrong one. For example on Wednesday I spent a lot of time on my computer working on my site as well as an application and the painful depression-retrospective for this blog. That explains the truly terrible quality picture I posted on here of my cat. Need to learn how to use photoshop! Anyway after all that work I was very tired and had a headache. But I wanted to go to a yoga class. In the past I would have just written it off but since I’ve been recovering I’ve been able to do more and more. So to prove something to myself I went anyway.
Terrible idea. The room was so hot and it was a tough class. After it my headache grew to such a pitch I felt like I was going to be sick. I could barely move, it was the most horrific headache and put me out for most of yesterday as well. Another painful reminder: do what is right for you, not what you think you should do. You live and you learn right? Then you make a mistake and you repeat… and repeat… and repeat. Wait, how long do humans live again?
I have a project for this rainy day: prettify the blog. Now I am an artist but that doesn’t mean I’m good at illustration and decoration. I’m terrible, I’m messy and I can’t be bothered most of the time. But I want to get better! This blog is way too wordy and black and white. Plus that tree picture leaves much to be desired. It reminds me of that biblical story of the man who built his house on sand. Not the message I want!