I discovered this week that I’m still not committed enough to this blog to do it when I’ve been busy. My weeks holiday is now over and it’s back to it. Got to be patient with these changes of habit and new responsibilities.
Recently I’ve been worrying about my body and my weight. I mentioned before that I had a blood test to find out if I have an underactive thyroid. The reason for this is since May last year I have gained a pound every month without eating any more than I did before. It started with a strange bloating, digestive type issue but that’s receded now but I’m still left with the creeping weight gain and I’m already over a stone heavier than I was when it started.
Strangely enough I have never really had any eating/weight issues before. I was a healthy child and wasn’t ever considered ‘overweight’. In my teens when other girls were worrying about how their bodies looked I was happy in mine because it was mine. I wasn’t completely comfortable with the way I looked but it was good enough. This wasn’t entirely commendable because I was plagued by terrible digestive problems, I had no idea what healthy food was like and I was pretty unfit. As a result of this blissful ignorance my weight crept up unnoticed until at the age of 21 (if you regard the BMI) my BMI was 29.
Around the same time I was becoming increasingly depressed and incredibly guilty and aware of my impact on the world. I vowed to lesson my impact and the first thing to go was any food that I did not gain any pleasure or nutrition from. Then I decreased my consumption of meat and replaced it with vegetables. Then I discovered whole grains.
After 9 months I had lost 2 and a half stone and for the first time in my adult life was a medically acceptable weight for my height. And it felt good to be approved of. I started doing yoga, running, wearing sleeveless tops and buying narrow jeans. I thought many things during this time. Weight loss is easy! Weight maintenance is easy! Exercising is fun! Yoga is fantastic! Over the next 2 years I tried to get used to my new body, other people’s perceptions of me whilst trying to keep that little voice out which said “If you were a bit thinner you’d be a bit happier…”
I was getting there too, I was almost used to my ‘new’ body when this whole weight gain thing started. Now I don’t know what to think. All of the weight is concentrated on my legs and my bum and I can’t help but look at other people in my yoga class and wonder if they’re looking at my humungous thighs. Am I too fat to do yoga? People who do yoga usually have thin legs, is it not acceptable to have big legs? All the while I know this is ridiculous because the extra fat I hasn’t actually stopped me doing anything… yet. That’s the thing… the yet. I don’t know when this weight gain will stop and I feel like my body is on loan. I can’t get too attached to it because who knows how it will have changed 6 months down the line. Will I still be able to run? To do bakasana? Will I be able to learn how to do headstand?
I go to the doctors on Friday, in the meantime I will practice metta on my poor, fatty bummed self.