Depression posts have been a bit thin on the ground here lately. Maybe that’s because the last time I posted I got a very insulting comment and I’ve been a little once bitten twice shy. Also because I think I’m scared of scaring people away but simultaneously I worry that I’m not depressed enough to write about it. I exhaust myself sometimes.
My recovery from depression chugs along, mostly ok. I find myself laughing more, rediscovering a self I forgot existed but seems very familiar now she’s here. I’ve been working at my painting steadily and my yoga practice has caused me to venture out into more classes.
But for most of this summer I woke up sad. The first thought upon waking up: oh fucking hell, not another day to get through. I have had to cope with non-existent decision making skills, bad memory, sudden crying fits, the dread ache in my chest that refuses to budge and all the while knowing I have to do things in order for it to lift. So I exercise, I paint, I do yoga, I read, I walk and by the evening I feel fine. Then I go to bed and I wake up sad. This happened day after day for weeks. It began to feel normal. I remembered that it happened last year too and I hope for the best…
Then it lifted. More and more it’s been I wake up and I think: I’m awake. That’s it, no dread for the run I’d planned, no fighting back tears, nothing. It’s a miracle! I’d almost forgotten what that was like.
This is bizarre for me because I love summer, I love the light and the green leaves. Come autumn and it’s a different story. I suffer from the winter blues so bad and I always have done but summer is a friend to me. So what is it? My favourite theory is the early morning bright light is disturbing my sleep. We don’t have full window coverage in our attic bedroom and in our northern home the sun only properly sets for a few hours in the summer. There’s nothing like being woken up by brilliant sunshine at 4am to make you long for the days when it’s pitch back at 4pm.
So autumn is here and I feel conflicted. I feel like I should feel sad but I feel happier, more productive and enthusiastic and content. It just makes me wonder, will I suffer from summer sadness from now on? What with that and the winter blues will I only have small pockets of happiness in spring and autumn?
Or I could just cover the windows up…