I’ve been exhausted recently. This time of year does that to me, what with the darkness, the pressures of Christmas and the impending lazy days ahead. I think I’m in lazy day mode already, been spending a lot of time in a funk. I’ve been making use of my subscription to yogaglo, mainly using Jason Crandell’s classes. I think I’m obsessed. I love his calm, focussed manner. Everything is so deliberate and thorough and unhurried. When I grow up I want to be just like him.
I’ve been thinking recently about commitment. Mainly because I realised that I am now committed to mindfulness practice, to meditation and cultivating it in daily life. I was talking to my boyfriend about the bewildering speed at which its given me clarity and peace (we’re talking a couple of months) and I said “I guess this is me for life now”. I realise that mindfulness is something I have to practice, not something to only pick up when I’m feeling lost or overwhelmed. I have to be awake all the time and that takes daily practice.
It’s not so much that that got me thinking as the way in which I decided I was committed. When I said “I guess this is me for life now” I already was committed, I was just saying what I already knew. But I never sat down and consciously decided that I would always have a mindfulness practice. I just knew I would in this very quiet accepting way.
It was the same with yoga. When I started I loved it, I took to it like a fish to water. I learnt all I could and had no problem starting my home practice and sticking to it. At no point did I think that I would stop and this wasn’t daunting, it was exciting! And not in an obsessed uncontrolled way, in a way that realised that there was a yoga that was appropriate for me at every stage in my life so why should I stop? I’ve found this great thing, I’m sticking with it.
The only time I’ve ever felt anything like the tight panic grip of “til death do us part” was a month or so after I got together with my boyfriend (we’ve been together now for 5 years) when I was talking to my friend about our long-term-serious-grown-up relationships. I told her the thought of breaking up made me feel sick but then that would mean we would have to stay together… forever! She looked at me with a knowing look in her eye and said: “You don’t think I think about that all the time?”
That vague panic soon passed and I shrugged and thought I did want to be with him until death takes one of us. Commitment done. Makes me wonder what all the fuss on Friends was about.
So I’m committed, to my relationship, to yoga, to mindfulness, to painting too. I don’t want to shout it to the rooftops and I don’t have to. I feel secure that these decisions are good for me and me alone.