Brija 2.0

I am having a low time at the moment. I know why: I’ve been relying too much on external factors for my happiness (people, money, the promise of money and success) and I have not been developing my tools of equilibrium. Namely: I have not been keeping up with my mindfulness meditation, I have not done body scans, my yoga practice has been scattered.

The silly thing is I knew that this might happen. I have spent the last 4 years living as a hermit. No job, few friends, few “prospects”. I had to learn to create my own contentment, which I did, more or less. In the past 6 months a number of things have changed and now I have a burgeoning painting career and the beginnings of a yoga teaching career. I see a lot more people, I have more responsibilities and more chances of fulfillment in my days. I saw all this happening and told myself “I have GOT to keep up the meditation, I have to have my little sanctuary in my head where I can go and keep myself on an even keel.” But I was busy, I was happy, I didn’t need it as much anymore.

I forgot.

In my head there’s a big distinction in my life: before the depression and after the depression hit. It’s like I was a different person. Before I was a person with a big sense of humour, the kind of person who could make myself laugh, I had loads of ideas, boundless curiosities and interests. But I was also a bit of a judgemental cynic, I had terrible digestive problems, I was a pessimist, I was unfit.

When the depression hit I lost my sense of humour, nothing was funny anymore. I was easy to anger and easier to upset, I felt guilty all the time, I wasn’t interested in much. I had no ideas. But I started to exercise, take an interest in what I ate and in different ways of thinking. The old me was unable to cope with what I was going through so I realised I had to find new ways of coping. I ignored my inner cynic and started doing yoga and looking into meditation. I healed.

When I realised I was healing I knew that I had this great opportunity to take the best of the before and after and create the new me. The Brija 2.0, if you will. Keeping my interests and curiosity and sense of surreal humour but dispensing with the cynical side of me and the pessimism and replacing it with open-mindedness and compassion. Using these tools of equilibrium to keep me resilient. I could be myself, but better!

Today was a low point but it did one thing: it woke me up to the realisation that my work is not done. I need to commit to this mindfulness day in and day out. The work is never done!

I must not forget again.

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5 thoughts on “Brija 2.0

  1. Brija 2.0 – really like that πŸ˜‰

    Beyond that, two things came to mind reading your piece just now :

    One, strange how many times in so many decades I remember “forgetting” and how, after remembering so many times, began wondering if it was really forgetting I had done, or maybe something as simple as processing process, I don’t know πŸ˜‰

    And two, how nicely written your post is, and how interestingly it read, and wondered what kind of fanciful fiction treatment would trabsform it into a story, be hard probably, even if fun…

    Anyway, nice piece Brija, thanks πŸ˜‰

    • Glad you liked it! I hope it is processing, rather than forgetting. Sometimes life seems too long to have to deal with forgetting and remembering ad infinitum. Oh goodness, do you think it’s well written? I don’t know if I have a fiction-worthy bone in my body!

      • my guess is processing πŸ˜‰

        fiction / non-fiction, very well written!

        your details, for a story, are already showing, there’s a thread (plot), and oh yeah, an interesting character πŸ˜‰

  2. I love it! Brija 2.0! What a great concept!

    I find my pendulum swings back and forth a lot, too, between the “functioning me” and the “healing, mindful me.” I am trying to find a balance between the two.

    I also relate to a lot of what you said about your personality before and after the depression. I used to be interested in a lot of things and be super busy. I don’t want to be that busy again, but I would like to be more interested in things. And I would love to have a sense of humour again! All in good time, I suppose…

    Wishing you the best with Brija 2.0. It sounds like you are well on your way to achieving it!

    • Really glad you like it! It’s been my little idea I’ve kept in my head that’s given me hope that these tough years can make me a better person.
      It is hard trying to balance the two sides of yourself, especially when most of society doesn’t value self-care. You keep doing what you’re doing and I’m positive you will find yourself smiling and laughing again one day.

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