Last Christmas

Last Christmas day was terrible, it was a really bad day and I felt awful and my family felt awful. And it was all because of my depression and my parents attitude to my depression. There is no getting around it. The worst Christmas of my life so far.

It is strange because at the time I considered myself *getting better* and would be able to avoid such meltdowns. But it came like such a bolt from the blue I had no chance.

Briefly what happened was I had offered my help for the Big Christmas Dinner. My mum and my sister were to do everything and I would cook a lovely red cabbage dish. Except when it came to it mum decided we had too much food and told me I wasn’t needed anymore.

Cue meltdown.

I felt so worthless, so useless, so surplus to requirements. I am a good cook, I enjoy cooking. I cook everyday for myself and my boyfriend (if he wants it) and I love it but what I really want is other people to cook for, people to provide for, to receive my gifts. Sally Kempton did an article in the last Yoga Journal about the importance of being able to give, I wanted to give but no one wanted my gifts.

My mood worsened and worsened, made a million times worse by my parents ignoring the weeping, silent mess at the dinner table. I began hyperventilating, I couldn’t speak, I moved at my glacial depressed pace. Still they said nothing. I went away to cry, my boyfriend trying to coax me back to myself.

Later dinner was ready, we all ate in miserable silence. Suddenly my sister burst into tears. She told my parents she hated the way they ignored me, they weren’t helping me. She was worried about me and they weren’t trying to help me get better. They said the usual things “she won’t let us help her, don’t know what to do, make things worse” etc etc but my lovely sister wasn’t having any of this. It was fantastic, someone was on my side! After that night things did improve a bit with my parents, the effect did wear off eventually though, but the knowledge that my sister cared warmed me for a much longer time.

And this year I am making the Christmas dinner. The whole Christmas dinner.